Seeing the Bigger Picture: Evidence versus Proof

A while back I posted about how I like doing puzzles. I have a puzzle app where many of the puzzles don't show the entire picture to start out. As I start one of these puzzles, I try to guess what the picture might be. Sometimes this is quite easy and others, I was more than halfway done before I realized what was going on.

I believe there is often a bigger picture to be seen than the small puzzle pieces we seem to focus on. As parts are connected and come together, we can see and understand what that picture is and start to understand the effect it will have on our lives.

One of the things I have noticed about society is the need for data and information to support our belief as to where a puzzle piece fits, how it fits, why it fits, or even simply what it is, or data and information to oppose another person's belief that we don't agree with or believe ourselves.

Two similar concepts that have helped me in forming opinions and seeing where pieces fit into the picture are the scientific method and (my very basic understanding of) the proceedings in a court of law.

The way I understand it, a law, for both science and in court rooms, is the absolute at the given point. In science, this is because it has been proven. In a court room, this is because the law makers have decided this is what they feel is best for the benefit of society (or depending on your point of view, the best to keep them in office). Laws in science very rarely change. Laws in the legal sense change, it seems, about as often as the wind changes.

However, when trying to understand something, anything really, it seems as though you can use a process similar to either legal proceedings or the scientific method to determine an outcome.

Both start with an idea or question of what happened or what will happen. Then comes research, discovery, data collection. Now you can create an hypothesis which is a suggested outcome based on the data and information collected. At the testing phase, you see if your hypothesis will hold up. In a court, this depends on many human variables. Science is generally in a slightly more controlled environment. Now, either the judge or jury for a court of law or you if conducting an experiment can analyze results and draw conclusions.

While some people have a firm grasp on this part of the concept, the piece I find many forget is the difference between proof and evidence. Proof means there is no way to show any other alternative or come to a different conclusion. Evidence is just something that points towards, leads to, or gives hint of a possible conclusion.

In a court of law, DNA is proof. No one (except clones and maybe identical twins) shares DNA. So you can't claim that DNA isn't yours. However, depending on where the DNA was found and what source it came from, alternate theories of how it got there can be given. Science has only a few laws; gravity and thermodynamics are the only 2 that come immediately to mind. However, similar to law, these laws are only in force given certain criteria.

On the other hand, evidence only points or nudges to a certain outcome. The legal system gives instructions on how much weight evidence should hold when making a decision and how far decided on that outcome you should be before coming to a decision; for example, preponderance of evidence, reasonable doubt and beyond reasonable doubt. In science, usually the outcome needs to be repeated several times with the same outcome or the end data needs to be scientifically significant.

The reason I wanted to talk about all of this is too many people in debates or arguments over political, societal, and moral topics treat evidence as proof. Or in collecting data and information, they saw trends and simply skipped straight to draw conclusions. I have seen people who ignore the opposing party's evidence because it doesn't fit. Sometimes during testing, they allowed too many variables or didn't have a control group to compare their data against.

Doing these things blurs the edges of each puzzle piece and makes it appear as though the piece fits when it really doesn't. I have done a puzzle with 1 or 2 pieces in the wrong spot and struggled to complete the puzzle. One puzzle I was actually convinced there was a piece missing from the brand new box rather than the simpler conclusion of a piece out of place. Being open minded to other possibilities helps us not fall into this problem of being convinced we are always right or the only one right, when it may be us who has the piece in the wrong place.

What's your story?

A couple weeks ago, Jake was reading a book he had ordered online and found that 2-3 pages were half missing. After the company sent him a new book, he had me read him the missing pages while we were driving. I want to share part of the story. It's from "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Donald Miller. 

The basic premise of the story is what the author learned about life while learning about how to convert one of his books into a screenplay for a movie. In this chapter, the author is talking with a friend about the friend's struggles with his teenage daughter (13 years old). The friend was frustrated because recently they found pot in the daughter's closet, the guy she was dating wasn't help guide her to a better life, and she wasn't involved with the family at all. Any type of punishment or corrective action was making things seem worse. The author then says the friend's daughter "was living a terrible story." When the friend questioned what he meant, the author explains that he had recently learned a story is about a "character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it." Then the author says the daughter must just be caught up in a bad story. Interestingly, the author wasn't aware of the impact this talk had on his friend. 

A few months later, the friend and his family were doing better. The friend explained that he helped create a better story for his daughter. The daughter didn't have a part that she felt was important and so she went looking for a story that made her feel wanted and appreciated, not matter what the consequences. "In the absence of a family story, she's chosen a story in which there was risk and adventure, rebellion and independence...people can't live without a story, without a role to play."

This got me thinking, what kind of story am I living? What kind of story am I creating for my children, family, and friends? How many people, children, teenagers, and even adults, are stuck in a bad story? How can I help create a better story? 

I don't have the all answers yet but I know that being involved and helping them feel important will help in creating heroes and develop better stories. There are times when I think "My story is so boring. No one would ever want to read or watch my story." During these times, I try to remember that not every part is written into a story and my story is a lot longer than just this mortal life. Its often a matter of perspective and remember that we are the masters of  our stories all while playing parts in the stories of others. 

Being Friends on Social Media

I always seem to be behind the times; in hair styles, clothing, trends, etc. This is especially true when it comes to technology and social media. I never had a "Myspace" page. I started my first blog in 2009 which was the down side of a bell curve of people reading and writing blogs. I didn't join Facebook for another year or 2 after that and I only joined then because we had moved out of state and every one kept telling me that it's the best way to stay in contact with friends and see what is going on in people's lives. Only recently did I join Instagram. Still not on Twitter.

Looking back, I can see how all these things evolved. When email came out, that was how everyone communicated. You sent an email to catch up with friends because you weren't sure you could talk on the phone.  Sometimes you sent mass emails to make sure people were updated on your life or to collect information you needed. Then came blogs and Myspace. Places were you could update information about your life so that only those who were interested could come read about you. Then Facebook and others as a way to share certain particulars or reconnect with people you may have lost connection with over the years. Media, marketing, celebrities, etc then grabbed a hold of these means of communication so now our feeds are so full of these groups, most of our time is spent looking and tracking them. 

In theory, social media platforms can keep you informed of what is going on around you and keep you updated on others lives. Sometimes its only because of Facebook that I know when friends or family are having or have had kids, moved, changed jobs, etc. However, I feel social media can make us feel alienated from the people we claim we are connecting with.

I often ask myself, "Why didn't so-so like what I posted? Do they really not like it? Did they not see it?" or "Why did so-so like the post? They've never been interested in that before. Do they actually like what I posted or is it just because they want to show support for me?" These are just a few of the questions I sometimes ask when I am too focused on what people's opinions of me are. Sometimes I start doubting myself or my relationship with someone because I see how they interact with others and compare it with how they interact with me.

I guess the point I am trying to get at is...social media helps me stay a little more up to date with friends, family, acquaintances and people from my past but I don't feel like it helps strength or even prompt actual friendship.

"The internet; where everyone has a opinion but no one is listening" - since I don't know if anyone else said this, I'll attribute it to my husband.

Will you still remember?

Why are we so worried about being remembered? I wish I knew. I just know that everyone has a desire to know they are thought about.

I first took notice of this while serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints down in Ecuador. Many of the people we visited with, whether they were members of the Church or if they had simply spoken with other missionaries, always asked if the other missionaries remembered them. These people carried with them pictures from those missionaries and spoke about them so much but doubted if they were remembered because they hadn't received a letter or a visit from the missionary. (Side note: most of the areas I worked in were so poor that a majority of the people didn't have telephones or internet. There weren't addresses on the houses or on the streets. Letters had to be mailed to other missionaries and delivered to the house, assuming someone in the area still knew the family.)

Others who worry about being remembered are those who lose a loved one too soon in life, especially a child. I have seen comments on other blogs that one way to support a loved one who has lost someone else is to show you remember the one they lost; by talking about them, by celebrating birthdays or anniversaries and such. I have heard these people comment that they worry they are starting to forget the person who has passed on because they didn't think about what to buy them at Easter, they don't know what their favorite food would have been, or because others around them don't remember these dates so special to them.

And still others concerned about whether they are remembered are those struggling with depression and sadness. I'm sure everyone has had at least one moment when they wish someone would notice them or think of them and when no one does, they wonder if others really see or remember them. Those that contemplate suicide often think of all the people they have known and one by one find a reason for that person to not know, wonder, or care about them. That's why many of these people don't call friends or family during these times of sadness and hurt. They feel, for whatever reason, that the other person wouldn't care or wouldn't remember them. They think if no one noticed them before, no one will notice when they are not around.

While I don't know why we are concerned with being remembered, I do believe that Satan uses this feeling and turns it against us. It's a way to make us feel alone and weak. It's a way to make us feel undervalued and forgettable. It's makes us feel unloved.

However, if I stop and think about all the people I have met and remember, I realize we had some sort of connection. And I have to believe that if they also felt a connection to me, they will remember me as well. I may not think of them all on a daily basis and some I may not think about for a long time but eventually with an old letter, a picture, a smell, an activity, an event, or whatever it may be, they are brought back into remembrance.

While I haven't sent a letter to anyone in Ecuador since I was married, I still think of the people there. I think about them often. I wonder what is going on in their lives. Are things better for them? Are they happy? I don't have constant or even regular contact with most of my friends and family but I do think of them. Friends and family who have passed on to the next life, I think of them. I may not remember birthdays or special anniversaries but I do remember the impact they had on my life. I also remember and see the impact they have on the lives of those closest to them.

Many of us use social media to help fight these feelings, but I don't feel like it has the desired effect we are looking for. We use social media to search out old and new friends, to be connected and stay appraised of other's lives but even with all of that we aren't actually making connections. We aren't using social media to "know" people the way we need to in order to feel that we are connected and remembered.

I am challenging myself to send a text, a voice mail, a picture, a thought, a meme, or even make a phone call when I have a memory of a person or run across a photo. Instead of waiting for friends, family or associates to reach out and remember me, I am trying to reach out to show that I remember them.

If you are one who is currently struggling and is feeling like you or someone near you is not being remembered, know that there is someone who remembers you, who loves you and who has a constant reminder of you. Isaiah 49:14-16 (Also 1 Nephi 21:14-16) "But Zion said, The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me. Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me."

Listening to the Still, Small Voice

Often at church, we are instructed to be aware of the promptings (as inspiration or revelation) of the Holy Ghost to help us throughout life. Many times, this comes as feelings but sometimes it comes as a voice.  I always thought if I heard the voice, it would be one sent to keep me or family safe or that it would instruct me on how to make major decisions in my life. Until recently, I didn't ever think that voice would come as what seemed like random bits and pieces of information, that at times seemed to go against logic.

During times of the when I had major decisions to make, a combination of circumstance, logical thinking, and feelings worked together to guide my path. They all worked together. As I continue to study and learn more about the love that God has for us His children, I have learned He will give help for those things we ask for through prayer.

Many times I pray for help to make it through the day, keep organized so I can complete tasks I want, and for help in being a good mom. Most of the time, I do things I have learned, read, or been taught throughout my life and I see these things happen over time. Although it is not immediate or a huge change, these are still answers to my prayers.

Back to the point of this post, recently I have noticed a small voice or thought that prompts me to do something I wasn't planning on doing. Sometimes I follow through because it makes sense, I can follow the logic behind the thought. However there are some times when I ignore these thoughts or push them aside because "that doesn't make sense" or "someone would have said something". In the past, I have dismissed these thoughts as me being crazy because why would God be concerned with helping me on such everyday life things.

Here are the 2 examples that come to mind immediately. Back when we lived in another state, packing to visit was very stressful and I tried to do so carefully because of the distance traveled or amount a space available. One time I remember as I was packing, I had the thought to grab our swimsuits. I dismissed the thought with we won't be there long, that's extra packing (because it was swimsuits, swim diapers, etc), and it was winter. However, while we were here, my sister suggested that we go swimming instead of just hanging out playing. Had I listened to that voice instead of my logic, we would have been able to go. Was this life altering? Did not going swimming make me a bad mom? No, but it was still an answer to a prayer to be prepared.

The next one was just this week. In a place where cold weather and snow is common during the winter, this year has been unusually warm and dry. My daughter's preschool had done a unit on water, rain, and snow and as part of it wanted to play in the snow. Because there hadn't been a lot of snow, the outdoor activities kept getting pushed back until snow arrived. Over the weekend, we received that snow. I had remembered her teacher talking about playing in the snow once it happened but I figured she would notify us (by email or text) of the day they were going to play so we send the kids to school prepared. Since it had snowed, I had my daughter grab her coat and wear her snow boots. I placed her hat and snow gloves in her backpack just in case it was cold while they waited to be dropped off and picked up. As I was walking out the door, the thought "pack her snow pants" came to me. Of course I brushed it off as "the teacher would have said something." As I was dropping my daughter off, I noticed kids in the first car and second cars get out in full snow suits and carrying sleds. When it was our turn, I asked if the kids were going to play in the snow today and the teacher responded yes. My choices now were drive home and return with the pants (and the outside layer of her snow coat) or let her play in the snow with just her regular pants. Had I listened to the small thought (voice), I could have just handed the pants over and returned home. Again, an answer to help me use time wisely and be able to do everything I wanted that day and I had ignored it.

Again, these were not big situations or problems but they were responses from a loving father giving because I had asked for them. When they were given, I ignored them. I now have a goal to strive to follow those thoughts, no matter how silly, illogical, or small they seem. I have been grateful when I have followed those thoughts to "grab the Children's Tylenol and cold medicine", "pack sunscreen", or "make sure there are snacks and drinks in the car." When I follow, I am prepared for whatever comes my way; a quick onset cold, a random sunny day with a passerby in need of protection, or a snow storm combined with an accident that prevent us from eating a meal at a regular time. There will be times I may not see or understand how it was an answer to a prayer or a blessing for me and others it becomes quite obvious but at least I will have used the help giving to me when I asked for it.

Living up or down to expectations

Recently there has been talk of making community college tuition free. While this sounds like it could help more people attend college, I don't think it will have the desired affect people hope for. They say this will help people from lower economic situations be able to attend college and help better their situations. However, there are already plenty of programs in place to help in this area.

Yes, paying for college can be hard and there are other things the money could be used on but it isn't impossible. I attended 5 1/2 years of college (transfers and a change of majors caused the delay). My parents didn't pay anything towards my living expenses (accept while I lived at home), tuition, books, or anything else. I worked through high school and worked through college. I received a half tuition scholarship for my first 2 years after that I applied for grants and financial aid. One year I only got student loans instead of grants because they application process took into account my parents' income. However, I hadn't earned any money or lived with them for a year and a half (I was servings a mission for my church). I still managed to pay for school and pay off loans. I have friends who were essentially paid to attend college between scholarships, grants and such. 

What makes my situation and those of my friends different from those of lower economic classes? It wasn't money or opportunity to attend. There are colleges everywhere. At my high school, there were counselors who helped the students look for scholarships and grants and help fill out applications for college. Are there not counselors at all high schools? Even if there aren't, all this information can be found online. Both schools and libraries have computers available for use to look up all this information. 

So what's the difference? Here is story I read recently that demonstrates exactly how I feel. This story comes from an article I read.

"Ben Carson said of himself, “I was the worst student in my whole fifth-grade class.” One day Ben took a math test with 30 problems. The student behind him corrected it and handed it back. The teacher, Mrs. Williamson, started calling each student’s name for the score. Finally, she got to Ben. Out of embarrassment, he mumbled the answer. Mrs. Williamson, thinking he had said “9,” replied that for Ben to score 9 out of 30 was a wonderful improvement. The student behind Ben then yelled out, “Not nine! … He got none … right.” Ben said he wanted to drop through the floor.

At the same time, Ben’s mother, Sonya, faced obstacles of her own. She was one of 24 children, had only a third-grade education, and could not read. She was married at age 13, was divorced, had two sons, and was raising them in the ghettos of Detroit. Nonetheless, she was fiercely self-reliant and had a firm belief that God would help her and her sons if they did their part.

One day a turning point came in her life and that of her sons. It dawned on her that successful people for whom she cleaned homes had libraries—they read. After work she went home and turned off the television that Ben and his brother were watching. She said in essence: You boys are watching too much television. From now on you can watch three programs a week. In your free time you will go to the library—read two books a week and give me a report.

The boys were shocked. Ben said he had never read a book in his entire life except when required to do so at school. They protested, they complained, they argued, but it was to no avail. Then Ben reflected, “She laid down the law. I didn’t like the rule, but her determination to see us improve changed the course of my life.”

And what a change it made. By the seventh grade he was at the top of his class. He went on to attend Yale University on a scholarship, then Johns Hopkins medical school, where at age 33 he became its chief of pediatric neurosurgery and a world-renowned surgeon. How was that possible? Largely because of a mother who, without many of the advantages of life, magnified her calling as a parent."

Children learn and take social cues from those they spend time with. After my daughter was bit on the face by a dog, I worried about how she would react when people asked about the band-aids and scars. Would she have flash backs to what happened and be afraid? Would she shy away and be afraid to answer? However, she did none of these things. When asked by the first person about it, she looked to me for reassurance and when I nodded for her to talk about it, she did it. She would act in the manner that I would. 

Kids will live up or down to the expectations set for them by those who love them and who they love. When parents, teachers, mentors, and friends all work to help each other, they will accomplish great things. I wonder what would happen if more parents and teachers and friends expected more of each other and expected more of those under their charge? 

Our Plan of Salvation - trials

I have mentioned the Plan of Salvation before but given some recent and some not so recent events, I wanted to share some feelings and thoughts I have about the Plan. While there is one main Plan of Salvation that can be broken into its main components; pre-mortal life, the creation, the fall (of Adam), mortal life, Christ's Atonement, death, resurrection, and judgment, I also believe that each of us lives by our own Plan of Happiness that follows this same pattern.

I believe in our pre-mortal life we learned and lived as spirits. I believe part of our learning included what we would need to know to come to Earth and live here in order to return to our Father. During this time we were given agency, the ability to choose and act for ourselves. While we could learn about what this life might hold for us, we would not truly understand how hard the trials could be, how difficult temptations would be, and how that would affect our determination and resolve to return to our Heavenly Father. I also believe that as part of this learning, we were told about some trials and how they could help us and those around us. We knew that although some of these trials would cause something called hurt and pain, we knew this could secure the faith and knowledge of those surrounding us. Certain people choose to accept these challenges because they had so much love for the rest of us that they would sacrifice certain experiences in life so that we could be stronger.

Why do I believe this? Isn't that what both Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ did? "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever should believe in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." -John 3:16  and ..."O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt." - Matt 26:39. It appears that Christ knew what he had to do, but didn't truly understand the magnitude of what would happen to his physical body until he started to experience it and then because he wanted to be obedient and because he loved us and knew there was no other way, he continued to suffer in the Garden and the again on the cross.

People often question why would God allow these things to happen; someone so young and innocent to die, someone so loving to contract cancer, someone to survive accidents only to be handicapped. My answer to this is, they accepted the challenge to help those around them to learn the lessons they would need to grow into the people they need to become.

Because of the trials different family, friends and even I have faced, I have learned things that may have taken a lot longer for me to grasp. I have learned that children take their cues in life from the people who take care of them. They will stand tall and be brave when people treat them that way or they will act weak and not want to do anything for themselves when treated like that. I have learned that as a society we aren't paying enough attention to the people around us. How well do we know our neighbors, our cousins, nieces, school or work associates, etc? When do we start paying attention to them? I have learned that you don't need to talk every day, every week or even every year with someone to know they are a true friend and will stand by you and help you when you need it most.

 Trials cause us to focus on something and see things we might not have seen otherwise. Please look at your trials and difficult situations as a learning experience that will help you focus on what really matters in life. Sometimes we may not immediately see why we or others have passed through trials but I know I would hug and thank many people for allowing me to learn and grow because they accepted a tough trial.

Faith, not a belief or a religion but hope.

I hear many people refer to their religion as a faith. I have even posted things about faith on Facebook and had people comment about how they agree but don't subscribe to a faith. I generally don't use faith to describe a belief or a religion.

Recently, I was studying for a lesson that I was to teach about faith. Most of my studies provide me with a bunch of information for me, which I somehow manage to convert into child speak and understanding. Currently in the Church, I teach children ranging in ages from 3 - 12. But I believe that the better I understand something, the easier it is to teach in a way that others might understand. I want to share what I learned in my recent study about faith. 

Faith is a "hope for things which are not seen, which are true." (Alma 32:21, Hebrews 11:1) However, the way hope is used here is not the same way we use hope now. This hope has a level of certainty behind it, not "I hope my friend comes over." or "I hope I pass the test." This hope is something we truly believe in and something that we really want to happen so much that we use faith and do whatever it takes to obtain or achieve the thing we hope for.

A recent example. Once a year, the children ages 3-12 present a program in the Church and share what they have learned or things they were taught over the course of the year. It includes speaking parts and songs. Being one of the leaders of the children's group for our congregation, I was in charge of this program. One week before, we had our first run through practice with all the kids, their speaking parts, and the songs. The nicest way to describe it is chaotic. Over the next week, we bribed the kids to memorize their parts and held another practice the Saturday before the performance. This one was slightly better although we had just feed the kids pizza and allowed them to run around while everyone finished eating. I can say with this practice, at least the kids had their parts memorized and half of them sang the songs.

At this point, the other leaders and I had done what we could to prepare. We hoped things would work out but with kids, you never know. We had to trust that since we had worked to prepare and that we had seen other program work out in the past, our would too and the audience would be able to feel and understand the ideas presented in the program. I can tell you, somehow and I don't know how, the program went wonderful.

This is a small example of faith and an easier example of how to show faith. Many times we are asked to do things that are seemingly harder than we can handle. We have to remember that what may be hard for you may be easier for someone else, based on your talents, abilities, and past experiences.

I have faith that this life can be amazing even with its challenges and difficulties. I have faith that although this life may be hard, there is a life after we die that will more than make up for what we go through. So what do I do with my faith? I work hard to make sure life is amazing even with its challenges and then hope that amazing things happen. I work hard to follow what I believe will make the next life wonderful and hope that it will be enough for me to enjoy. Like all things, my faith will be tried and tested. Just because I want it won't make it so. Sometimes this amazing life hurts and I stumble but doesn't one bad moment, memory or choice make the rest of life not amazing? That's where faith is.