What do you say to someone...

If you are like me, you know so many people who are going through so many different trials and challenges; sickness, divorce, death of loved ones, struggles with not being able to have kids, etc. I have always thought it was hard to know what to say to someone dealing with these kinds of trouble. Lately I have felt that even more so.

I have seen list after list of things not to say to a parent who has lost a kids, things not to say to someone who has all boys, things not to say to someone who has a terminally ill family member, things not to say to a couple who doesn't have children, etc. The list seems to grow longer and longer. There seems to be a new one every few weeks.  

Part of the problem, I believe, is that if you yourself haven't specifically dealt with one of those situations, you don't know what to say or how to deal with it. The best you can do is offer what you think you might like to hear or have offered to you if you were placed in that situation. 

What should I say? What should I do? When I am done reading these lists, I am left with a feeling that no matter what I say or do, it will never be good enough or will hurt the other person more. At this point, is it better to do or say nothing at all? 

I wanted to have kids before my husband and I were in a situation in which we would be ready. I was 27 years old and had been married for 2 years but didn't have kids. Sometimes in Mormon culture that is hard to deal with. Somehow along the way, some people believe women are supposed to get married by 21 and start having children immediately. Anyway, many times people would ask why we didn't have kids yet or when we were going to start having kids (because "you don't want to wait too long"). There were times when those questions really hurt because I did want to have kids. 

I don't believe any of those people intended to hurt me or cause me pain. As I look back now, I think I understand what would possess them to ask such personal questions. They simply wanted to form some sort of friendship and you do that by talking to and learning about the other person.

I try to believe that people are good. We don't want to see others suffer, we don't like feeling helpless, and occasionally, despite our best efforts, we may say or do something that unintentionally hurts or offends someone else. When someone says or does something that hurts or offends me, I try (and sometimes I need to be reminded) to remember that they probably had good intentions behind it. 

Am I doing enough?

I saw this video a week or two ago. I watched it after about 4 friends on Facebook shared and commented about it. I am sure many of us, male or female, feel this way more and more. Am I doing enough? Of course, during school years or in organization classes, we were taught the best way to assess is to look at the facts, data, or create a list to gauge what you are accomplishing. When this happens, many of us look at not what we accomplished but what we didn't, especially when we really wanted to complete everything or when we were sure we could complete everything.

Since watching that video, I realized I need to create a different list as well. I often create "to do" lists and set deadlines so I don't forget about what needs to happen around the house.  Sometimes I would become frustrated when the items weren't completed in the time or in the way I would like them to be. Then I wonder if I am doing enough or why can't I complete all the things others appear to do (sew kids costumes, teach lessons, clean the entire house, make wonderful meals everyday, have tons of homemade crafts and games for the kids, etc.)

Instead of asking myself "Am I doing enough?", I will ask "Am I doing enough of what is truly important?" This will help me focus on the needs of me and my family, not the wants. To refocus my list, I need to remember what is really necessary in life. What are life's necessities? Food, water, clothing, shelter. Right? For me, I would add spiritual needs; prayers, scripture study, time serving (calling, visiting, helping, etc). Now, at the end of the day, instead looking just at what was or wasn't done on my to do list. I can check off the necessities list.

• Did we say at least one prayers as a family? Did I say at least one personal prayer?
• Did I read (or hear) scriptures with my kids? Did I take time for personal scripture study? 
• Did my kids eat? Did I eat?
• Did they have clothes on? Do I have clothes on?
• Does my family have shelter and/or protection from the elements? Am I doing what I can to make sure they are or will be protected?
• Did I take the opportunity to teach when the moment presented itself?
• Did I watch for service opportunities and take the time to do them?

I won't include, was I wearing making or the cutest outfit, was the house spotless, was dinner nice, etc. Those details don't matter. The necessities were taken care of and that's what matters the most. What other questions would you have on your list? 

Sometimes I am sad that my daughter isn't doing dance, learning piano, or playing a sport already. So many of the kids her age are already doing one or more of these activities. Most days I feel lucky to spend 30 minutes outside playing with her.  On those days (especially when she is trying to guilt trip me with "but I never get to play with my friend" or "we never do anything fun"), I can remember I did what was necessary for the day and that is good enough.

Why I cannot support Gay Marriage

Please be patient with me while I try to explain here. As I have said, to understand my choice some background information is necessary. My hope is to explain my choice with enough information but that does not grow too long or wordy. I ask that you read through the entire post before posting comments.

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Now while this doesn't give me license to not support gay marriage, there are things I have learned and believe that hopefully helps you understand my choice. I remind you, although I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I do not speak for the church. My reasoning and belief comes from things I have learned through studying the teachings. For official church stance or learn more about the teachings, please visit LDS.org, Mormon.org, or mormonnewsroom.org.

It took me a long time to write this post. All of these ideas have been floating around in my head for months. Some of the information has been there for years. Actually, it took me a long time to come to the decision to not support gay marriage. Back when the Church of Jesus Christ participated in the campaign in support of Proposition 8, I was extremely torn. I struggled with why they should be so concerned with people's legal right to marry. I wasn't sure I liked religion becoming so involved in political matters. A few years later after hearing stories of what has happened to some families and businesses that don't support gay marriage, I could see some of the concerns and possible actions that could affect the Church. It wasn't until the past year, after doing some serious studying and praying, that I came to my decision. Even then, I have been afraid to voice my opinion for fear of what friends, family, and supporters will think or say about me. Recently, after more studying and some inspiring words from church leaders (Ensign article, and several General Conference talks), I have decided to share my story and my reasons for fear of what might be in the next life.

Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints believe in a plan that was formulated before we born. This Plan of Salvation (aka plan of happiness, plan of redemption) teaches that we lived as spirits with God before, in what we call the pre-mortal life. We were taught many things and were given the gift of agency, the ability to choose to act for ourselves or be acted upon. We were taught that in order to progress, we would need to come to Earth to be tested and gain bodies. Because of these needs, families were and continue to be necessary. We had to be born here on earth, become mortal, to gain a body. Since God loves us and wants us to succeed, "God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). If we choose to follow God's plan, we can one day (after birth and then death) return to live with God.

In order to help us on our way through our mortal life, God gave us commandments, or laws, that if obeyed would help guide us to return to Him. In order for there to be justice, a consequence (a blessing or punishment) needed to be affixed to each law/commandment. When we obey a commandment, we receive a blessing (in other words, reward). When we fail to obey a commandment, we commit sin. When we sin, we are no longer clean and cannot return to God's presence in the next life. Gratefully Jesus Christ paid for our sins and made a way for us to be clean again, but that is for another discussion.

Because of our agency, man's laws and God's laws don't always match up. That doesn't make God's laws wrong and man's right. Man's law will only last through this life while God's law will continue through all eternity.

After I finally put all this together, how can I support man's laws that give only the appearance of obeying God's law or allow people to feel as though they are making the right choice? How can I support laws that will lead friends, family, loved ones to disobey God's laws and therefore possibly keep them from returning to live with God in the next life? What kind of friend would I be to support laws that might jeopardize what I know to be the best thing, something that will last for eternity, in exchange for something that makes them feel happy now in this life? I cannot even imagine the shame and guilt I would feel in the next life, coming face to face with these people and having the conversation that might go something like this. "You knew about the plan. You knew what the potential consequences were and yet you choose not to do or say anything. You didn't even try. Why? If you love me so much, why wouldn't you do everything in your power to help me?"

As I said, this was very hard to write and even harder to share because I have friends and family who support gay marriage or who are gay and married. I love them all very much and have many happy memories of times we have shared. I believe that love is a natural thing and that many times we don't necessarily choose with whom we fall in love but I also know that the only way to find true happiness and to return to God's presence is to obey God's commandments no matter how hard it feels to obey them.

Although I cannot in good conscience support gay marriage, it doesn't mean I am not happy for those who are finding happiness now through the legal right to marry. I am happy for them as they live their lives, go to school, raise families, help and support the community. I am sadden to hear of stories where others have not been accepting of them and their choices. I hope they realize my love for them and that I want for them what I hope, believe, and know to be the true way to happiness.

Welcome to My Thoughts

Do you ever have those thoughts that just roll around in your head so much you think your head might just fall off because they bounce around so hard and so often? This has been happening to me more and more lately, so I needed a way for those thoughts to become formed and organized. Writing and sharing on this blog is my way to connect the dots, find out what dots are still missing, and needs to be filled in.

I decided to start this blog to keep my thoughts separated from my adventures. As you read, hopefully you'll understand more about me, about why I think and act the way I do, and why I started this blog.

I believe that tolerance is achieved by true understanding. Intolerance comes from a desire to be right or show someone else they are wrong. We have a desire to be right but shouldn't we also have a desire to be accepting and loving of others no matter how different we seem.

I hope that as I share my thoughts, you will feel inclined to share your thoughts with me either through emails, comments, texts, or phone calls. I love hearing what other people think just so that I can understand and have more empathy towards them.  Please share comments and questions but leave derogatory notes and insults out of this. My intent is not offense but hopefully an explanation that may lead to understanding.

NOTE: I have decided to occasionally post about things I believe in. I will try to remember to include references to books, scriptures and such for way I believe such things but will probably forgot much of the time. Also, there may be things I express that are my personal beliefs that may or may not have scholarly or spiritual backing.