I have seen list after list of things not to say to a parent who has lost a kids, things not to say to someone who has all boys, things not to say to someone who has a terminally ill family member, things not to say to a couple who doesn't have children, etc. The list seems to grow longer and longer. There seems to be a new one every few weeks.
Part of the problem, I believe, is that if you yourself haven't specifically dealt with one of those situations, you don't know what to say or how to deal with it. The best you can do is offer what you think you might like to hear or have offered to you if you were placed in that situation.
What should I say? What should I do? When I am done reading these lists, I am left with a feeling that no matter what I say or do, it will never be good enough or will hurt the other person more. At this point, is it better to do or say nothing at all?
I wanted to have kids before my husband and I were in a situation in which we would be ready. I was 27 years old and had been married for 2 years but didn't have kids. Sometimes in Mormon culture that is hard to deal with. Somehow along the way, some people believe women are supposed to get married by 21 and start having children immediately. Anyway, many times people would ask why we didn't have kids yet or when we were going to start having kids (because "you don't want to wait too long"). There were times when those questions really hurt because I did want to have kids.
I don't believe any of those people intended to hurt me or cause me pain. As I look back now, I think I understand what would possess them to ask such personal questions. They simply wanted to form some sort of friendship and you do that by talking to and learning about the other person.
I try to believe that people are good. We don't want to see others suffer, we don't like feeling helpless, and occasionally, despite our best efforts, we may say or do something that unintentionally hurts or offends someone else. When someone says or does something that hurts or offends me, I try (and sometimes I need to be reminded) to remember that they probably had good intentions behind it.
I try to believe that people are good. We don't want to see others suffer, we don't like feeling helpless, and occasionally, despite our best efforts, we may say or do something that unintentionally hurts or offends someone else. When someone says or does something that hurts or offends me, I try (and sometimes I need to be reminded) to remember that they probably had good intentions behind it.
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This blog is my sincere attempt to help create an understanding. I will not post nor will I tolerate blatantly rude or biting remarks. Contention does not promote understanding. I ask that you only comment if you are trying to add insight, clarification, seek additional information, and the like.